bashi - the early years

Childhood was quite typical I was highly sensitive, traumatised and living in a family that did not honour their emotions or the "Truth" of any situation. I was not aware I was highly sensitive as it was never discussed in that way; the family had too much going to worry about any differences that I might have had. Two things stand out, my need to hide away so I wouldn't be seen or attract attention (later I recognised that as "my fear of being misunderstood and of being judged") and secondly my continual illnesses and pain.

Adolescence found me awkward, insecure, fearful and very nervous; or in current day language highly traumatised, ungrounded, disconnected and co-dependent. My first full time job and a steady boyfriend helped but the terrible fear of "feeling" unsafe, vulnerable and different" remained. Several poor relationships reflecting my low self esteem followed along with depression and two suicide attempts; physical pain continued particularly around gynaecological issues and other mysterious illnesses along with continual head pain, sinus troubles, skin problems etc hospitalisation and more surgery.

Marriage was undertaken to be seen as normal and to feel safe. Neither happened as he was worse than my father and I became alarmingly like my mother. I was regularly ill and suffered further surgery to alleviate the problems. I continued with a long list of medical problems, addictions and found myself taking a myriad of both (un)prescribed drugs. We separated after 14 years and divorced 6 years later.

Career had very strangely been moderately successful and after I left my husband I received several further promotions ending up Marketing & Business Development Director for a national company. At this point I appeared "successful" in the material sense but I truly had no sense of "Self" other than what I received through the acknowledgement, acceptance and approval from others.

In conclusion I have written, in present time, a very limited, both in fact and emotion, account of my earlier years; as a sensitive person reading this you will probably be able to read between the lines but I can say that whilst my childhood had been a feeling of constant misery and fear, my marriage represented my heart dying or so it felt. I can now truly say I am so grateful for all the experiences to enable growth, healing, health and ultimately transition - as someone wrote to me recently, "When the spell is broken there is no fear!" The Peace I feel now is being able to recognise when I am not at Peace.

The next step was At the end of my 30's I became self employed, forming and running a commercial property business for ten years. During this time my spiritual and self-development path opened up, blossomed or even quietly exploded.