A Spiritual Perspective on
Co-dependence

bashi December 2004

You are not co-dependent per se, there is a significant difference between someone struggling in the world, not so much trying to "control" others, which is the major symptom of co-dependence but being controlled by their inability to function and protect themselves from the barrage of emotions and feelings directed at them. However most people do not seem to realise this and the energetic help needed to solve this for sensitive Beings is not handed out in general psychotherapy.

Looking at it from a five sensory perception: What is Co dependence? Melanie Beattie, author of "Codependent No More" (ISBN 0 89486 402 5 sold more than four million copies) says her definition is:

"A Co-dependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour."

Whilst I see enormous difference in general co-dependent behaviour and a "highly sensitive person" I am also aware that some of the symptoms can seem very similar and the sensitive Being may well have inherited/absorbed some of the tendencies of co-dependence along the way or as coping strategies; - remember co-dependent is only a name that was given to particular behaviour(s) that amazingly seems to stretch to completely opposite ends of the spectrum. There often also seems to be a complete contradiction of terms and that the behaviours are so diverse that they must surely encompass 95% of the population! Please see below.

The initial start of my personal journey was not in psychoanalysis but if it had been I am sure I would have been labelled co-dependent. For that reason I am glad it was not because labelling of any description can be disempowering and could have well delayed my search for the Truth. Although I did not realise it at the time I was blessed to meet highly evolved spiritual but very practical teachers. I was opened up to Energy or the concept of it very early on my journey and I can only compare it to learning the more complicated aspects of mathematics before I had actually mastered the rudimentary of addition and subtraction. So of course as some point I got "sent back" to cover the earlier ground - but at least I was doing it from a place of strength and never doubted for a moment that I did not know where I was going; interestingly my family, friends and partner did not agree.

However, in retrospect I can see that the labelling would not have been wrong but and this is the worrying observation I WOULD NEVER HAVE HEALED USING ONLY THE CURRENT HEALING METHODS FOR CODEPENDENCE and that is because co-dependence to whatever degree I suffered from it, was only one symptom among many, of the primary problem.

The "problem" for me and many others I observe was being a"highly sensitive six sensory Being" born into a five sensory family, who as Spirit told me recently (a nice way of putting it) "had wandered off their Paths". Their well meaning intention was to make me like them by whatever means they could and they nearly succeeded. One of their traits I, in psychotherapeutic terms adopted but in my terms absorbed was a strain of co-dependency.

For a highly Empathic &/or Clairsentient Being starting to undo the damage of co-dependent patterns is like running uphill with a backpack on and what is worse, what is in the back pack is mostly not yours!

Why this is so hard, is because you are still absorbing other people's emotions and thought forms and nobody is telling you how to stop, in fact they do not even recognise what you are doing. They are not seeing past the physical.

As a Six Sensory Being your complete healing lies only in the Metaphysical.

It lies in embracing the following disciplines:

1. Understanding who we are and our purpose for being here. This is vital and empowers through validation.
2. Making a commitment to heal to God, Creator, Spirit or what ever we believe in.
3. Realising that healing (balance) must take place on all four levels, Body, Mind, Spirit and Emotions. This means that our comfort zone in spirit will be tested. We are called to enter the lower chakras which can be messy and it will make us feel disorientated and out-of-balance but is the final stages of healing.
4. Being prepared to "Detach with Love" from everything that is not for your highest good; personal and ancestral patterns, friends, family and jobs.
5. Knowing that "All is One" but continually practicing BOUNDERIES AND GROUNDING.
6. Take responsibility .... but
7. EMPATHY is the exception to that rule! If you take responsibility for something that is not yours hence adopting and holding it AS yours, you cannot release it, in the normal way. THIS APPLIES TO ANY PATTERN that belongs to someone else and is un-surrendered because free will exists and we cannot release something that is not ours to SURRENDER!
8. In the face of derision "Standing our Ground" .. if we know something is not ours, do not accept responsibility for it and do not under any circumstance JUSTIFY yourself to another person. (In doing so you give your "power" immediately away to that person and at an energetic level form an Aka cord which allows them to once again use your energy!)
9. Understand and be compassionate with why you feel this way - You know and your natural state is to be in a mode of "Love" where all is "One" and the reason for Being is to "Give and receive Love" hence you have no natural boundaries in place THE HEART DOES NOT KNOW BOUNDARIES but you are living on a planet where many people have wandered off their path ..... Monks and nuns live lives of prayer, they have no ill will to anybody but if you look at where they live, monasteries are surrounded by high walls and closed doors!

Codependent No More

Melody Beattie

Chapter 7 Set Yourself Free Let Go and God - Twelve Step program slogan

People say co-dependents are controllers.
We nag; lecture; scream; holler; cry; beg; bribe; coerce; protect; accuse; chase after; run away from; try to talk into; try to talk out of; attempt to induce guilt in; seduce; entrap; check on; demonstrate how much we have been hurt; hurt people in return so they will know how it feels; threaten to hurt ourselves; deliver ultimatums to; do things for; refuse to do things for; stomp out on; get even with; whine; vent fury on; act helpless; suffer in loud silence; try to please; lie; do sneaky little things; do sneaky big things; clutch at our hearts and threaten to die; grab our heads and threaten to go crazy; beat on our chests; and threaten to kill; enlist the aid of supporters; gauge our words carefully; sleep with; refuse to sleep with; have children with; bargain with; drag to counselling; drag out of counselling; talk mean about; talk mean to; insult; condemn; pray for miracles; pay for miracles; go to places we don't want to go; stay nearby; supervise; dictate; command; complain; write letters about; write letters to; stay home and wait for; go out and look for; call all over looking for; drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see; chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch; bring home; keep home; lock out; move away from; move with; scold; impress upon; advise; teach lessons to; set straight; insist; give in to; placate; provoke; try to make jealous; try to make afraid, remind; inquire; hint; look through pockets; peek in wallets; search dresser drawers' dig into glove box; try to look into the future; search through the past; call relatives about; reason with; settle issues once and for all; settle tem again; punish; reward; almost give up on; then try even harder; and a list of other things I have forgotten or have not tried yet.

We aren't the people who "make things happen". Codependents are the people who consistently and with a great deal of effort and energy try to force things to happen.
We control in the name of love.
We do it because we are "only trying to help".
We do it because we know best how things should go and how people should behave.
We do it because we are right and they are wrong.
We control because we are afraid not to.
We do it because don do not know what else to do.
We do it to stop the pain.
We control because we think we have to.
We control because we don't think.
We control because controlling is all we can think about.
Ultimately we may control because that is the way we have always done things.
Tyrannical and dominating, some rule with an iron hand from a self-appointed throne. They are powerful. They know best. And by God, it will be done this way. They will see to it.
Others do their dirty work undercover. They hide behind a costume of sweetness and niceties and secretly go about their business - OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS.
Others, sighing and crying, claim inability, proclaim their dependence, announce their overall victimisation and successfully control through weakness. They are so helpless. The need your co-operation so badly. They can't live without it. Sometimes the weak are the most powerful manipulators and controllers. They have learned to tug at the guilt and pity strings of the world.